my own double standard...

i realized yesterday how seriously i take my role as a momma. while talking about "things" with a friend of mine, it hit me that i feel i should not be in a serious relationship until the boys are much older. i know plenty of single parents get remarried and such. that is all well and good. i am not saying they shouldn't. i'm just saying i can't. the problem is that i'm not even saying he shouldn't. i just know i won't.

i don't believe that i'll ever find anyone who will love my children the way their dad and i do. that's just the facts in my head. how could they love them as much? how could they understand the little people that are my children?

i guess i feel it was different when i became a step mom. first of all, it has been shown that i love him more than some others that could be named. also, he was so very young then. i already have a 7 year old. for that matter, i have one that is almost 14. asking anyone to come into this is a lot. and asking the boys to ever accept anyone else is just too much.

i'm not saying i won't meet people as time goes on. i'm just saying i don't see men involved with my children. i don't see living with someone. i don't see remarriage. i don't even see serious dating where he comes to birthday parties or "family" events. i can't see that. it's too hard. maybe an every-other-weekend date. maybe someone to call when the kids are in bed. maybe even a trip without them. but nothing more. i can't.

considering anyone will come in an obvious second, maybe even third, in my life, i can't ask that of a man either. my kids will always be first. that's how it is.

maybe i'll take these words back some day, but i don't see it now. for now i'm tired and scared and sad and confused. so be it.