black friday...

i made it through my first holiday alone. granted, i wasn't alone. i was with two rather fun children, although one was pretty grumpy. the problem is that i'm angry. in my world, in my head, there is absolutely no good reason i should have been separating christmas ornaments yesterday. no reason i should have been cooking for two kids instead of my whole family. and absolutely no reason anyone should have felt bad for him and invited him over. but i was, and they did.

i drank an entire bottle of wine and still couldn't sleep through the night. i woke up with one of those dreams that leaves you shaking and crying and upset and alone. the kind that makes you relive the last year of your life...the year you wish would slip away, but keeps coming up every night in your head, and on the unlucky nights you remember the dreams.

i really thought i'd be "better" by now. i don't know why i figured this, but i did. in fact, i counted on it. i just knew that after those papers were signed, it would all be better. but it isn't. i'm not sure it will get better. utter despair does not sit well with me, and while i try to misery to a minimum, it isn't working either.