black friday...

i made it through my first holiday alone. granted, i wasn't alone. i was with two rather fun children, although one was pretty grumpy. the problem is that i'm angry. in my world, in my head, there is absolutely no good reason i should have been separating christmas ornaments yesterday. no reason i should have been cooking for two kids instead of my whole family. and absolutely no reason anyone should have felt bad for him and invited him over. but i was, and they did.

i drank an entire bottle of wine and still couldn't sleep through the night. i woke up with one of those dreams that leaves you shaking and crying and upset and alone. the kind that makes you relive the last year of your life...the year you wish would slip away, but keeps coming up every night in your head, and on the unlucky nights you remember the dreams.

i really thought i'd be "better" by now. i don't know why i figured this, but i did. in fact, i counted on it. i just knew that after those papers were signed, it would all be better. but it isn't. i'm not sure it will get better. utter despair does not sit well with me, and while i try to misery to a minimum, it isn't working either.

feeling lonely and alone...

it seems i truly got nothing but loneliness from this divorce. i found out my insurance, which was once almost courtesy of the u. s. government via the air force, is now costing not quite as much as it could, but more than i really have to give. copays, prescription costs, you name it. this is now my life.

he told me tonight that he might get a second job. "good," i think, finally feeling as though his life isn't going quite the way he hoped when he split. i mean really...i've had a second, third, fourth job for years now. then he tells me this second job will be bouncing at a bar...and irish bar. damn him. his second job will get him out of the house, into the adult world...the one where folks are scantily clad and drinking...while i sit home, on the computer yet again. how is this fair? no, i don't want to work a night a week in a bar. no, i don't want his life. but i do want something! i want something to go my way and it just seems it isn't going to any time real soon.

anyone wanna come to my pity party?