addressing the change...

i truly don't feel alone this holiday season. i may have earlier, but not now. i know i have friends and family, and those three kids of mine afterall, and they are all overly supportive and ready to listen to whatever gripes i feel the need to gripe.

the problem is, however, holiday cards. he didn't change his address when he left. that means i still get all of our bills for the house and all of his junk mail. he did take his personal bills with him, but i'm now receiving joint holiday cards from his friends and family. mine all know better. his, however, do not. in fact, some of them truly do know better, but they address them to mr. and mrs. and send them here anyway.

i don't open them, just like i don't open his other mail. they are his after all. they were his friends and family before me, and they will be after me. but it sucks. he doesn't have to sort through things at his place that are addressed to me. he doesn't have to look at what were once our joint decorations. and he doesn't have to explain to anyone about anything, obviously. in fact, i think my card, complete with a pic of me and the boys and obviously missing his name, may be the first time some people in his life hear that he left. and the thing is, i tried to be very careful. i tried not to send to his family and friends. but there are some, as there always are, that you just have to say hello to. they were joint friends and/or family members who meant a lot to me. so, i wonder if i'll be answering their questions as well. i can hope, if nothing else, that he gets the phone calls. of course, that means he'd have had to share his number, and since we know he didn't share his address, that's not something i see...

sometimes i just wonder...

what went wrong and why it went the way it did. i wonder if my not liking football made his life difficult to live. i wonder if our overall differences, his love of the gym, my love of books, his want to settle and my want to progress, did us in. i wonder if our backgrounds, his smalltown life and my big city dreams (although never realized) and suburban past, were just too different to mesh.

i wonder why he couldn't talk to me when he was the one i talked to the most. i wonder why i'm alone and tired and sad and he left to be happy. why is one person so happy by what makes the other so sad?

it isn't that i want the situation we had, but i sure wish i could revise what happened or at least figure it out to avoid it in the future...

and just who is supposed to change...

ok, i've been very grown up lately, thinking and discussing my personality differences with various individuals. i've come to the conclusion that i finally have an understanding of me and how i work (for the most part). the problem is that since i now know how i work, who is responsible for adjusting?

i've realized that i need to turn off my emotions. i am an emotional gal no doubt, but what happens is that folks see my frustration as i tear up, but they believe that my tears turn on and my logic turns off. this is not always the case. tears and logic are not mutually exclusive. tears and calm voice do not negate thought out information and presented logic. tears and loud voice, ranting, and throwing shoes may negate these things...

but, i also know that i need time between information and further discussion. however, this time does not include weeks, days, or even hours. instead, i need minutes. i need to call back and leave a voicemail. i need a few minutes of distraction to regroup. i do not need more than that, and if i have more than that, i will most likely obsess and fester. i may even create scenarios that are not practical or apparent. but my creativity and love for analysis can lead me down some roads that haven't even been forged yet.

so i know these things... great. now what do i do with them? do i communicate them to those who may have to deal with them? do i alter myself to fit the things others do? or do i do my best to use these tactics without expecting others to understand them?

basically, who is responsible for understanding, accepting, and dealing with who and how i am? aren't there rules for this somewhere?