onward and upward...

it's time. it is officially time to move on. he set fire to the bridge and i watched it fall in a burning mass. but, at least i didn't burn it. and i didn't cry enough to put out the flames, either. that's a start.

i guess we all hit a point where our old motivation seems weak and there comes a new internal reason to do or not do something. i'm finding it now. basically the term "irreconcilable differences" is my new motivation. in all honesty, i can't get my head around that term, but i don't care for it. however, it works for me. i feel i have irreconcilable differences with a few things in my life. and since you can end a marriage due to them, thereby getting rid of someone, i feel i can now get rid of some things. i now get to change things about me for no other reason than i want to change them. however, that means i'm doing it just for me, and that's a bit scary too.

and then it was tomorrow...

tomorrow i will be single. well, i'll be a step closer to single. i will, in fact, be separated. it is odd to think that 9 months have gone by since i heard "i just can't make myself love you" and my life felt over. the problem is that is wasn't over. no one sees the scars of lost love. no one sees heartbreak on the outside. it makes you wish you were dead, but it doesn't have the courtesy to actually kill you. hateful it is.

but, 9 months wasn't enough to make me long to be single. i'm dreading it. not the being on my own part. the being legally separated part. that's a whole other slot on the form now. i will never be single again. instead i'll be divorced or separated. you never get to be single again. that doesn't seem quite far either.

of course, when you think about it, being a spouse is the only familial relationship that you can so very easily exit. since the rest rest on biology, you can't truly escape them. but with this, all it takes is a notarized signature and i'm not someone's wife anymore. instead, i'm the fool someone convinced that he would love. and worse yet, i'm the fool who sometimes still wishes it was true.

but, tomorrow is a new day and with that new day, the start of a new life. i guess i'll just have to get on with that life, and hopefully be just a bit smarter in the next go around. ironically, my rebirth is mysteriously aligning with that of jesus. is ice skating in hell next?