tommy, please tell me you got that...

yes, that was a direct allusion to jimmy fallon's "sully and zazu" skits on saturday night live. and if sully had been in nantucket this past weekend, there would have been a few things he would have demanded that tommy videotape.

we had a great arrival to the island. the weather was wonderful and while our room was teensy tiny, it was a really great b-and-b. we also had some great food during our stay, including an amazing white pizza!

of course there was shoppping and a hike out to the brant point lighthouse. it was so pretty to see a lighthouse and the ships and the sunset and all.

however, these are not the moments that demanded i write this.

those of you who know me well, have ever traveled with me, or been in immediate proximity to me for long enough will see how "me" this is. i was taking a picture at the beach. i walked out onto a rock, of course, to get the best shot. there was another rock behind me and i turned to step onto it. yes, yes, here we have it. the step did not go well. instead of landing firmly on the rock with sure footing, i flipped my ass in the drink! yes, i went all the way under. yes, the water was wicked cold. yes, i found it hilarious.

s-a said she could see me laughing before i even came up from the briny deep. who wouldn't laugh? especially after predicting the incident mere moments before! the issue was not merely me going swimming, however. the rest of the story includes a loss of a blackberry, an ipod, and a digital camera that were all either in my hands or my purse and accompanied my fall.

then there was the walk back in the rain, the burning of a bra on a lamp (trying to dry it), the dousing with cold water while on the late cargo ferry, the rush to boston, and the ditching of dollars and dollars of cosmetic creamy stuff and gels and cosmetics at the logan airport ticket counter only to find the plane we were late for was delayed once again. but, even with the silly little mishaps, the cutie coast guard boys and the way cute pilots we had, along with much-needed girl time and a great friend, made it all worth it!

tommy's pics to be posted soon!

going, going, gone ...

as in "she's outta here!" well, actually it would be more like "he-ah" since i'm heading to nantucket tomorrow morning.

now the main purpose of the trip is a memorial service for a great friend's mom. it will be a sad time, but it will be full of reflection and i think a kind of inner peace too. her mom was a wonderful woman and i'm deeply touched that i get to say good bye to her in such a special way.

i am also, on a less serious note, looking forward to some true girl time. she and i have needed this for a while considering the life stresses we've been facing, and we are feeling rather fortunate to have this opportunity. hopefully i'll be back a new, shiny, refreshed hoyden!

maybe, just maybe ....

we're doing something right after all. i say this because the kids seem fine. in fact, the middle one decided he was a little happy about how things are going. he loves that dad has a pool at his apartment and is really enjoying the idea of spending solo time with his parents. he knows that it is possible for him to spend time with one of us while his brothers are with the other one and he digs that.

i guess that means that even if we are doing things a bit unconventionally, by talking daily, depending on each other when we need to, etc., it is working for the little men, the man cubs, and i suppose that despite my sadness and anger and confusion, that is what matters.

he needs to find himself...

but he has yet to look under "m" for mid-life crisis. while most men buy a sports car, mine moves out. while others date their secretary, mine explains that he needs to find out who he is before moving on.

is this sounding more and more like "it's not you, it's me" to anyone else? well, it isn't me. it is him. if it were me, he'd be happy to be away and reveling in the freedom, not "relearning life skills" as he puts it. the problem is i'm having trouble with his logic, his reasons for tearing up a ten-year commitment and separating three kids.

well, in all honesty, regardless of his reasons, i'd find fault with them. why? because they aren't my reasons obviously. but these are hard to swallow. he wants to rediscover himself. but he isn't doing anything he couldn't have done here. paying bills does not a road to self-discovery make. so maybe i had too much control over our lives. i didn't take it. it was handed to me. and now it is conveniently denied. all nice and neat and tied with a bow, it was taken back and returned for something else. and i thought the returning of wedding gifts ended years ago.

the problem is ... well there are so many. i'm hurt. i really feel i'm worse off now than i was a month ago. why? i'm not sure i know.

my own double standard...

i realized yesterday how seriously i take my role as a momma. while talking about "things" with a friend of mine, it hit me that i feel i should not be in a serious relationship until the boys are much older. i know plenty of single parents get remarried and such. that is all well and good. i am not saying they shouldn't. i'm just saying i can't. the problem is that i'm not even saying he shouldn't. i just know i won't.

i don't believe that i'll ever find anyone who will love my children the way their dad and i do. that's just the facts in my head. how could they love them as much? how could they understand the little people that are my children?

i guess i feel it was different when i became a step mom. first of all, it has been shown that i love him more than some others that could be named. also, he was so very young then. i already have a 7 year old. for that matter, i have one that is almost 14. asking anyone to come into this is a lot. and asking the boys to ever accept anyone else is just too much.

i'm not saying i won't meet people as time goes on. i'm just saying i don't see men involved with my children. i don't see living with someone. i don't see remarriage. i don't even see serious dating where he comes to birthday parties or "family" events. i can't see that. it's too hard. maybe an every-other-weekend date. maybe someone to call when the kids are in bed. maybe even a trip without them. but nothing more. i can't.

considering anyone will come in an obvious second, maybe even third, in my life, i can't ask that of a man either. my kids will always be first. that's how it is.

maybe i'll take these words back some day, but i don't see it now. for now i'm tired and scared and sad and confused. so be it.

a rose by any other name ...

may feel like she's part of the wrong stem.

so, shakespeare decided that a name meant nothing when romeo had fallen for juliet. i can't say i agree.

i am all for not letting a societal convention define you if you don't want it to, but i am going to change my name ... and soon.

i've decided that i want my dissertation published under my maiden name, a name i had a very hard time parting with when i got married. and considering none of this divorce junk will be final by then, i'm going to go ahead and do a legal name change instead of waiting for the divorce-related court-ordered one to come along.

i've given it a lot of thought. i decided i would take my name back when i divorced regardless of the warnings about it being confusing for the kids. i figure that plenty of divorced women remarry and then they don't share a last name with their children. if that isn't confusing for them, then taking back my birth name shouldn't throw them over the edge.

and yes, i've thought about the what ifs. what if we don't divorce? well, then i have my maiden name -- the one i probably should have kept anyway. what if i do remarry? well, then i keep my maiden name. if he can't get that, i shouldn't be marrying him. how do you explain it to the kids? well, "i changed my name when i got married, but it didn't change who i was. so i figured that while i really care for daddy and enjoyed being a part of his family, i missed my name and want to take it back. you won't have to change your name when you get married, but you can if you want."

this is basically a professional move at the moment, and really it is one i considered for years. i even talked to him about it a few times, but it seemed too much of a hassle to go through for mere "want." well, it isn't now. i mean it is a hassle, but so be it! i'm worth the hassle :)

excuse me, waiter...

this is not the life i ordered!

there really is no other way to put it. i ordered one life, complete with a college degree, promising and rewarding career, cute husband, and adorable son. of course, while living, as we often do, i selected numerous items á la carte. these would include 1.5 other college degrees, the addition of various pets, two homes and accompanying moves, and two additional adorable sons.

these were the desserts you eagerly pick up along the way. they are all wonderful additions to my order and i am happy with each one of them.

however, no one told me that my order could be substituted based on the availability of a husband. i mean the military did make it a point to let me know that until 2011, they own him and i was merely leasing with an option to buy. so it isn't the physical availability that i am talking about here.

instead, i'm referring to the decision to change my order to phd-writing, working, single mom. that wasn't even on my menu! in fact, i purposely avoided restaurants where that option was even a chef's special.

so, 86 the husband. that order is no longer available. maybe single, independent, amazing woman is a side worth looking into, though.

and maybe it won't be a problem...

my last entry (mere minutes ago) discussed the tactics of single women when pursuing a man. well, it appears i should not pursue a man. great! that's all i needed to hear.

michael noer of forbes recently published the article, "don't marry a career woman." it caused quite a stir and was countered by another forbes writer. both articles can be found at here.

the problem is that i tend to agree with noer on several of his statements. while i find that many career-oriented women are goal-driven, ambitious, and educated, i also find that not many of them are willing to settle for domestic bliss in place of their careers. nothing against those aiming for domestic bliss, minivan and two toddlers included. but, i won't argue that it may be more difficult to obtain that bliss with two careers in a family.

however, noer should have written, don't marry a career woman if you want a career yourself. that would get rid of his obvious double standard in the article. if, as he says, there can really only be one career per family/couple, then why not let it be the woman's? of course, also as he stated, women often aren't happy if they earn more than their spouse, nor is the spouse happy with that situation.

so, i will rely on society's double standard to show that possibly marriage is an antiquated establishment that i don't feel the need to enter into again.

can i really do this? be single, that is ...

ok, it has come to my attention that being single at my age and in today's society is a bit different than at 20 and in college. i'm talking to folks and hearing just how aggressive some single women have become. is this a survival of the fittest kind of thing?

regardless of reason, i don't think i can cut it. i know i can't be as aggressive or overly flirtatious as some of the women i have witnessed in action or heard about. in fact, i don't want to be. i don't want to land a man in all honesty. and maybe that's the difference.

but, until i'm endowed with new sly, flirty moves rather than my general interest when people talk to me, a bit of grace that keeps me from tripping upstairs or falling out of car doors when exiting, and great sexy hair, i will just be me and avoid all interaction with singles of the male persuasion. well, maybe not all interaction. i will have to dust off some of that fun, flirty self sometime.

go figure, huh?

American Cities That Best Fit You::

55% Boston

50% Atlanta

50% Miami

50% New York City

50% San Diego

let there be light(s) ...

i have control issues. wow, big shocker there. but i seriously have problems with a lack of power. i know this. i'm working on it. so be it.

however, when i was without power, as in electrical power, from thursday night through saturday, i felt i had larger issues. it was hell!

i have to admit that i was in better shape than some. i do have a gas water heaterand we have city water, so no fear of losing the water pump and there were showers. but, entertaining three kids and keeping a freezer full of food viable is not fun. but, baby daddy had the kids the most this weekend, while i was to be working on work and school. alas, that was not the case until this morning.

i feel i wasted very precious time and now i'm in a tizzy trying to catch back up. but the kids are having a good time with him and i just need to stop blogging and get to work :)